The layers of my grief look like a couple of things I’ve come across in life.

Over the years I’ve attempted to make a few things that seem to make me shake my head and stand back. 

Recently, I made a pie and that’s where the similarity stood out. 

Grief is like layers of a pie.

Grief is like layers of a pie. The bottom or beginning of grief is new and it seems ok.  

Then there is the middle with all the emotions that can pile up like ingredients. This is where it can feel mixed up, as if life will never be the same again. 

Finally, there is the top which can be disguised with a light crunch or sugar topping and then it is finally discovered that grief here is bumpy and ever changing!

As I watched the pie being made I found that while I thought I knew what I was doing it was surprising to find that a little adjustment was needed throughout the process. 

This pie is in the middle with the ingredients piled high. 

There are dots of butter to add more flavor, and that edge of the first layer can still be seen. 

Seems to be okay from this view, doesn’t it? 

This is where we can stand back and start to see more, my friends. 

The grief that comes in layers made me pause.

The grief that comes in layers made me pause as I made this pie. 

What if the ingredients inside were to change as another person wanted smooth chocolate filling instead of apples? 

How would those changes be seen by others in grief? Could they be adapted to be like a chameleon? 

Or is there only one way to make a pie and to grieve? 

Here is what I explored the day I rolled out the bottom layer that looks like it fits in the pie plate. 

I thought about how I didn’t know what I was doing at all in the first years after our son died, when I showed up for work and hoped to remember my password or where a file was on my computer. 

What I also hoped for was that others around me were kind and would help me seem ok. 

That world of seeming ok with all of it rolling forward did happen for me.

I sat with the messy middle of grief.

So, I sat with that for a time and then went into the messy middle of grief. 

Have you felt the messy middle while others were with you? 

The pile up of emotions ranged from chunks of disbelief that Dallin, our son, was no longer in our home, to gratitude for a life with our son. 

Then to sudden memories of who we were with him slipping down my cheeks as the tears would jump forward. 

Mounds of emotions needed to be felt and seen even when it seemed like life would never be the same again.

Truth came with this, as life never was the same again as part of the messy part, the piles of feeling continued and I felt them all. 

I began to be interested in this part of grief that I didn’t need to understand it all. I only experienced life and grief and wonder here and now.  

For me, there are many ways to make a pie and to experience grief. Being present with it was part of feeling and being then. 

The top is where I am now at times. 

I sit with the thought of ever being complete with grief, as I have found that it is truly ever changing.

For me, grief means I have loved and I will love our son forever. 

So, I will grieve and remember forever.

Loving and living with a bumpy ever-changing life is how to roll out the top of the pie.

Loving and living with a bumpy ever-changing life is how to roll out the top of a pie. 

Will it sometimes cover a delicious layer of ingredients piled high and dotted with more flavor? 

Yes, most likely. 

I will also most likely continue to have a pile of emotions with the grief that comes in layers. 

For me that means that joy, resilience, confusion, wonder, and sadness all create this life that can bring experience. 

Some days are smooth like that bottom layer or like different filling. 

Other days are bumpy like a top layer of pie that is part of grief and love, life and sorrow. 

What are your layers of grief bringing you? 

Let’s discover them here together.

Now is the time to look up for three things. 

It comes as the seasons show how to do this with flair, growth and delight. 

We can get ready for this when rocks are moved aside with a bright curly pop-up. 

A moment like this is when we each can pause and take a look at the things that this yellow beauty reminds us. 

Charm and grace go with this as well and can make us wonder about these things.

At times, these have been called the three graces.

At times, these have been called the three graces or Charities in Greek or Latin. 

When we pull into this realm perhaps, we can roll into each of these as this strong bloom stays with us. 

People like to start with the beautiful moments. Perhaps you are one of them

Moving forward with this is what has come with beauty and can be the place to go with these ripples.

Beauty can be seen in many ways here. 

First can be in how the stones have many colors, shapes and sizes. 

They slid out of their way for the thin leaves and bright green. 

Other signs of beauty could be people.

Other signs of beauty could be people in the space around each area. 

This is what I have seen many times including this time. 

What you don’t see are the people who had been near with their charming way of teaching each other. 

It was another way to look at what can pop up this time of year. 

Learning alongside asking thoughtful questions. 

Listening for what could come next. 

Being open to all perspectives in the room. 

Another way of being with these three graces.

It was another way of being with these three graces along with beauty and charm. 

At times, others think that it may be like hope. 

When all are put together there is a memory of someone who comes up. 

Her name is actually Grace, and this flower reminds me of her. 

She was able to do these three things naturally and pop into any situation with joy.

Each moment people were around she made better with the flair and delight she created.

A gentle smile always led her steps into a room. 

Her purple flower-patterned blouse made her easily recognized.

You may know a person like this.

Can you see them in your mind? 

Now think about one way to have the beauty of them stay with you. 

It could be to look for the beauty, learn alongside or to stay with the charming things. 

There may be other ways to include the three graces. 

Like knowing when to move aside, find the best people and add flair. 

We can do it together! 

Each day brings another way to look at things to do. 

It also can be a way to look at who to become or what new questions to ask. 

That is what I bring to you as the day has begun with this look for us all. 

Do you get up in time to see the sun coming over the mountain? 

Perhaps where you are it glides over a river or stretches near open fields. It can come in towers of concrete and deep red canyons. 

I have been to all of these places at times. The sun comes up and wakes me to begin again in all of them.

The mountains are what greet me as I wake up at dawn.

The mountains are what greet me the most so I will describe them as I wake up at dawn with different perspectives. 

You can see that the sun has popped over one ridge in the distance here. 

The beginnings of why I am waking at dawn may be explained with the tree outlined nearer the foreground of this photo. 

Can you tell that I am waiting for the full rays of the morning to reach me? 

If not, I will tell you that I stood in this place for almost thirty minutes to watch and know what the day held for me. 

The sky is also waiting to change from yellow to peach then to light blue until the full deep blue comes later. 

Colors deepened along the mountains as the brightened dawn streams across them. 

This quote may give you a glimpse as to what I am going with, as well. It is from Kahlil Gibran, the author and poet and one of his writings. 

“To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;”

― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

My heart cannot help but leap as if finding wings when I see the dawn each time. 

It’s as if there is hope coming every time. 

I will tell you that I have created this hope in times when the trees didn’t look like they were going to emerge out of the shadows and the mountains felt too far to reach. 

Yet this quote brings a second part that I have sat with at dawn. 

I have sat with other parts of the day to find what could be meant by having a winged heart that gives thanks. 

Think about that with me, if you have the moments here. 

Did you pause? 

Do that now if you can. 

Ok, now let’s breathe through it together. 

Not have time to wake at dawn and wait.

You may have been like me at times and not had time to wake at dawn and wait for the full morning to come to the day. 

Looking for the full blue sky doesn’t always come along like the picture you see here. 

It does seem like an ideal time of life so what happens when it is not this ideal?

Sometimes we wait for another time to come. 

When feelings of this and that can be here at the same time. 

That is the second part that came to me when I found this from Kahlil Gabran. 

Giving thanks for another day of loving is what has given me time to learn and grow into how I look at things.

Where did this begin?

Once upon a time I started writing to a young one in our home. 

The words written were for his eyes when he became grown, and I could share them. 

A red journal is where I began writing to talk about what was happening, the joy, the growing and the adventures. 

Then life changed and I was not sure if this journal was going to be read by that young one. 

Yet, I continued to write for years until suddenly there was an end to the red journal entries. 

There came a time that I changed from talking to that young child to who he was becoming as a young man and who I was becoming. 

When the dawn and shadowed mountains were in the picture together like this. 

It was beautiful, like life. 

It all began to be centered around gratitude for every little thing. 

I became more attentive to a sunrise.

You may have guessed that I became more attentive to a sunrise and what each dawn brought. 

Yes! That was the shift for me. 

Gratitude for the love in our home. 

Gratefulness for the people who came into our realm. 

Being able to look up on the way to a children’s hospital in the early hours while seeing the sun pop over the mountains we both loved to explore. 

Happiness in the moment before the next unknown event came. 

If I had three minutes or thirty seconds at that time, I would find myself pausing to look deeply into the eyes of those around me. 

That’s when it dawned on me. 

Watching for what I could learn, remembering what was happening, being in that very moment. 

I reached for hope what I was able to wake at dawn.

I reached for hope in each second and found that when I was able to wake at dawn to create it, I could tuck it away to access it another day. 

Here is what I know now. 

Being able to look up, see the dawn and know that those days did exist with pure joy and gnarly intensity is what keeps me seeking for the answer to what I can do next. 

What did your winged heart bring you? 

Let’s find a way to keep that going together, my friends.