May 9, 2021

It is a Sunday morning in May.  I have great goals this day to be mindful and present and ‘here’ for other women around me.  This week brings a building of thoughts and memories that I allow and be with some level of preparedness. As I can.  Each year for the past 9 years, as this is the 9th year in this alternate universe, I have made it a quest to do this time of year differently for I am different.  For the past three years I have found a way through it perhaps.  I took the previous Sunday to join a group of other mothers who have had a child die. I say Dallin’s name in that group, by distance, I acknowledge the yearning, I say the words that others may not understand with him not being here… still. With the base of understanding I have…. Still.  Yes, it can come together with more love than grief but both are there… still.

I let it all happen in my own space with my own time a week before today. I also know that my feelings are powerful and one hundred percent felt in my soul.. And always will be. 

So that on this Sunday, I can practice being here.  It takes the entire week to get here as the entire week is spent being with others.  My mom. Brandon’s mom.  Other women who are moms.   

Here is what I did this year to give myself the final oomph needed. 

I cleared my mind.   Like a Jedi trying to pull a winged aircraft out of the swamp with another older wiser grinning Jedi watching and guiding nearby. Can you picture this? 

My mind was blank and yet I was mindful of all that was around me.  My breathing was helped with the steady in and hold and out and hold of the four square breathing.  Knowing my feet were firmly planted. It was new and powerful and dare I say it, almost lovely.  Dare I say, I felt myself as one who could hear the previous years of cluttered chaos and yet this in this space.  

Hey! 

The Jedi had something!

Alright.  

That was my quest – focus on the winged aircraft coming out of the swamp.  

I did tell Brandon this was my goal for the day and he grinned. 

Alright. Let’s do this. 

I pictured what the other women in my life needed from me at this time and what I could do – 

Was it to buy flowers to brighten a room? What kind did each person like?  Or was it a blanket to gather around their shoulders? Did we get the card that was going to make them giggle or smile or sigh?  Did it look like spending time one on one? 

These individual thoughts also brought the Jedi mind to me as I worked to clear my mind and be present. 

I also allowed myself to observe and listen and be still.  

To be calm and let the conversations that flowed around the rooms to be. And to be present. 

I also focus on what Brandon brought me.  That Brandon!  Oh My Heart.  Do you see this rose? He is one who does things like this in the middle of times, when I do not expect them. This one came with a handmade folded paper card and three color marker smiling hearts. This rose, with its rough edges and deep green leaves. Can you feel the texture?  Breathe in the scent. Be present. Allow it all. 

I did. 

Every time I walked by.  I stopped to smell the rose and touch the leaves. This. This one addition to the winged aircraft in my mind brought calm this year.   

What do you do to be present in times that are difficult?