Goodbye, Adieu, Thank You

I have a list that I review every once in a while. 

Actually, I didn’t know it was a list I was going to create for decades. Life moved along quickly as I built joy in our home. 

Laughter came to us readily and often.

Time changed when the joy paused for us, for a time. The one who brought such excitement and exhilaration was no longer with us. 

I wished to say goodbye, adieu but not thank you to the many emotions that came to me. 

Then I attended a training to learn a few more about grief and loss. It came at a time when I could look at more things right in the eye. 

When it was right for me to know more for myself with a slight grin coming back. 

I wrote what it felt like.

The list was about to be created in a way that brought surprises to me. I wrote what it felt like to be in this space. 

My page included being perplexed, curious, sad, tender, longing, overwhelmed, awe-struck and sentimental. Learning more about these feelings came over years. 

Leaning in came next.

It was then that I began to think back about what was to be learned. I felt like I was trudging through mud.

The questions then came “What if I need some mud?” 

The answer came as I continued to learn after the training 

“Everyone knows we need to have mud for lotuses to grow. The mud doesn’t smell so good, but the lotus flower smells very good. If you don’t have mud, the lotus won’t manifest. You can’t grow lotus flowers on marble. Without mud, there can be no lotus.”

― Thích Nhất Hạnh, No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering

Flowers that needed mud brought me to the next spot. 

If such a beautiful flower could take mud to create its next thing, then, could I? My mud included living with all of the emotions that I had on my list.

Let’s think about that for a moment. 

What if I wanted to say goodbye, adieu, thank you to this?

What if I wanted to say goodbye, adieu, thank you to this? 

Could there be any beauty to come? 

What I found was that each emotion, each feeling, taught me to see the joy that had come before. 

I felt perplexed because I had known laughter. 

Being curious stayed after living with one who loved to look for new ways in life. 

Living in overwhelm happened often as my daily world was flipped on its head. 

Yet seeing tender moments and being awe-struck also came along throughout the weeks and months. 

These were my lotus blooms. 

Perhaps it is why I still choose to look up for the time when all feelings are welcome. 

Saying goodbye, adieu and thank you for each moment.

Saying goodbye, adieu, and thank you for each moment. 

Time has brought many things to me so there is hope that it can bring that as well. 

Would it look differently for you? 

Is it time to consider being thankful for a feeling in your experience?

It could look like this, as it once did for me. 

This is the time when I became curious with others. Following the lead to step forward with all that can come. 

While my time has brought me to finding steps through grief, you may find your steps taking you through other feelings. 

Let’s consider it and lean in together!