Go Around It 

This is the thing that I have been avoiding. 

I actually tried to go around it twice. 

It’s when I stopped on the side of a road to go into a memory and see what more was there. 

What started out as a calm drive home from work turned into a heart thumping turn of events.

As I drove down the freeway, I saw that there was a long back up on my usual exit so I chose to go around it. 

That took me onto another street lined with tall trees and sidewalks. Apartments and single family homes. 

Suddenly, an elementary school came into view on my left as my hands gripped the wheel. 

By avoiding one thing I had quickly come here.

By avoiding one thing I had quickly come here, in front of a place that makes my soul melt. 

This school had been where our son had gone when he was learning about many things. 

Then one day he walked out the door at the end of the day with a group and was lost. 

He was lost for hours and I didn’t know about it until later when a bus drove home without him on it. 

Can you hear me say that? 

I was waiting for the bus at the designated spot when suddenly my mom came rushing up. 

He’s gone, she said. They don’t know where he is! 

I sped off and she sped off after me. 

Wait wait wait. 

She didn’t know where to go so we caravanned to the school, where he had been earlier, to see what had happened. 

Indeed, Dallin was gone and they had been looking for him. 

They had gone around this and that.

They had gone around this and that and every little thing. 

Why did I not know this before now? 

This was the time of pagers not cell phones. 

House phones, and not quick access to a person, and they couldn’t find my number. 

I could feel the outcome crash back to me as the chase through the neighborhood took place in my mind, frantic phone calls then a wave of disbelief rolled over me as I heard Dallin had been found by a group in the neighborhood. 

This was also the time when Dallin didn’t have a way to tell others his name or who to call for help. 

My heart stopped then fluttered then stopped again. 

That day flew in front of me as I melted in front of the building after avoiding the traffic.

Can you feel the breath come back? It was like the storms rolling in again and yet it was a relief. 

All of this came to me as I stopped, looked over and then felt the wave crash on me again. 

One avoidance caused me to come.

Why had one avoidance caused me to come right in front of something anyway? 

This seems to go with the month we are in. 

It is AAC Awareness Month in October.

Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC) has been in our lives for 32 years because of this young one you see here.

Dallin survived an illness then continued to be an audacious learner who devoured all types of communication.

Sometimes as soon as it was shown to him,

and sometimes after many years of practice,

teaching,

modeling and

trying again. 

By the time he was this age, he was using sign language, multiple forms of aided language and he was beginning to trial an AAC device that we considered for purchase.

His life was all about how he could ask questions, think about more things to say, tell us when he was finished, when to do that fun adventure, going fast, faster and then fastest of all and all while dancing.

He used multiple devices in his lifetime and always let us know when he would use what, where they would be placed, with what group or person and why.

This is Dallin.

Not a time to stop and go around communicating.

It is October and AAC is actually used all year long. Not a time to stop and go around communicating. 

My friends. My soul and mind is here to continue doing what he taught us, to teach what he did with every beat and rhythm of his life.

Along with the yearning of not being able to do it with him any longer.

I will sit with that grief and step into all that I feel.

C’mon. How dare I not, with a face like that? 

This is the age Dallin was when he walked out of the school with pureness and innocence. 

He had no way to ask those questions, let anyone know he was finished being lost or that he wanted to dance again. 

It is why I continued teaching, learning and being around the communication world that I’m still in today. 

Do you feel another jaunt with avoidance coming? 

Oh yes, it is here. 

Almost every time I feel the pull to learn more about AAC, I almost immediately want to run for the hills. 

I want to get away because of the massive wave of memory that snaps me back to this moment of Dallin not having a way to do what he needed. 

Y’all. It was what he needed and so I continued because what else is there?  

It’s as if I know that I will always and forever be in a space where the school, or the place I was waiting or the technology or the desire will be with me. 

As if I will always and forever be in the push and pull of grief and joy, desire and loss, hope and learning with this young one who taught me a million billion zillion things. 

So I will dare to continue to go around it with love while looking up.