Head, Shoulder, Knees and Toes: Find Them All Again in New Grief

There was a time when I couldn’t find my feet. It seemed like they weren’t connected to my head, shoulders, knees and toes anymore. 

This came when grief was new and has been near to me twice in life. Both times brought this sensation of losing connection to myself and where I stand in space. 

It is a simple exercise for me to go back to the first time I felt like my feet were searching for a way to become anchored as I created one layer of base at a time. 

My mind creates a picture quickly about what I needed to do when our young son was suddenly in the hospital. 

This was when I needed to gather not only a bag of things for a long hospital stay but items that could help my feet find their stillness again. 

What could this mean? 

In the beginning, it looked like watching others as they taught me how to pay attention to sudden changes in health for our son. 

It could also include making sure there was a cup of water or a bite of food near me. 

I began to learn how to find my feet every day.

After a few years, I began to learn that knowing how to find my feet every day also meant taking time to take care of other things, including looking at the beauty around me. 

Every day, I learned how to look up to see the beautiful moments we were creating in our family, alongside complex medical moments and perplexing unknown next steps in grief.

What else could I do to create a new layer for my feet and me to feel connected? 

I began to write down five things I was grateful for as the days passed and I could indeed find my feet connecting to my knees, shoulders and head. 

Remembering where my roots were, and are, was incredible to have in place. 

Then there were the things I could feel. 

My toes would dig in the sand in the backyard while the mud was being made with our son giggling as he recovered from a month-long illness. 

I took time to feel all this then grew as new grief matured.

The awareness of what could come when I took time to feel all this then grew as new grief matured. 

Now I know that while those days after child loss are complex with love and yearning, I have also learned that these additional ways to find my feet keep all of me going. 

Alongside the grief that comes with the yearning and love that I’ve learned with our son. 

• I can take 30 seconds to notice a leaf floating down from a tree or an end of season flower blooming. 
• There are 30 minutes I can take to read from the two books I have stacked near my comfy chair. 

• In 30 seconds, a text can be sent and received that reminds me of the kindness that still exists in this realm. 

• For 3 seconds, I can wonder about the birds that I hear chirping above my head. 

• When I have 30 minutes with a friend or someone I hold dear, I can laugh, learn and love with them over anything and everything. 

Are there other ways we can pee this back to find our feet?

Are there other ways that we can peel this back together to find more ways to find our feet? 

Perhaps it’s like Shrek, finding an onion to pull back one layer at a time. 

New grief that rolls into ongoing and mature grief can be like all of this. 

Finding our feet and feeling connected to what each day brings, even 30 seconds at a time, can be like finding our way to pull back the layers of our life. 

Alongside the grief that comes with the yearning and love.

What is here for you to lean into as life rolls along for you?