Do You See Him? 

There is a question that others ask me. It could come when I see someone who is hearing about our son for the first time. 

I’ve also heard this when people have known him for his lifetime and want to know if I see him around me, still. 

‘Do you see him?’ 

Now, please remember with me that Dallin is our son. 

He is the boy who became more that we could imagine and gave many people that chance to see him in his lifetime. 

This is why some wonder if I see him now.

This is why some wonder if I see him now. 

It could also be them asking if I see other ways in the world that I see things that remind me of him, our Tall One who loved so much in the world. 

The last time this question was asked I was standing in my space at an event, sharing stories about him. 

I was able to talk with one person about how Dallin loved life, even as he was learning to survive ongoing illness and complex disabilities. 

Here is when others, including the person I spoke with that day, become curious. 

Dallin loved being with people who could stay with him as his medical world became more extensive. 

He was adventurous and calm, knew when others had the energy he needed and let us know when he needed to pause in life. 

How do I see him now?

How do I see him now? 

At times, I promise you that if I turn to the left slowly enough, or if I turn quickly enough, he will be there. 

His grinning face just has to be there. 

Wait, there is more. 

My mind knows that he is not going to be there, of course, so what do I see? 

There are reminders of the great things Dallin taught all around.

Here are some snippets of what I see that remind me of our son.

I see a group of his cousins gathered together, laughing and sharing a story or a game. 

When someone uses all the modes of communication around them, I see our son who used everything at his disposal including sign language, gestures, AAC and looks across a room. 

If I look up, I see clouds that are shaped like a dinosaur or a duck or a fish. 

In the fall, there are piles of leaves that swirl together on lawns to form piles big enough to jump into. 

When I hear a laugh, I also see our son.

When I hear a belly laugh or see a big hug, then I also see our son. 

Now, I am going to let you know some of the other times when I also turn around and see him. 

This is where we are going to take a breath, practice mindfulness and turn our reflection to the more difficult times of when I see him. 

Get ready for this side of life and life after he is no longer here. 

Do I also see him when my friends share how their kids with complex medical needs are going through their next procedure and illness? 

Can I see him when I hear how his friends would like to do more with employment or life goals and more barriers are confronted? 

Are there times when I hear about systems creating more paperwork and wonder if family members will have to go through more red tape?

Yes, indeed. 

Imagine this part of his life showing up alongside the joyful parts.

Each of these are things that Dallin experienced and how I see him now. 

Imagine this part of his life showing up alongside the joyful parts, my friends. 

This is when I breathe deep, hold onto the resilient joy that he created and look slowly to my left. 

Again, and again. 

Perhaps that is what I can do as I see him around me. 

Maybe that is what we all can do, here, there and in the next moments together. 

Other writing when I see him: Find Bliss #133